Episode 103 - Screams of Silence

Stacy Pearsall sits down for a candid conversation with Dr. Sam Babu, Mazin Mozan and Nick Paz, three fellow veterans who all have a personal connection to citizenship and its impact on military service, to talk about their experiences on episode 103 - Pledge of Allegiance. A few topics of conversation relayed around loss, how to deal with it, and the communication around it. 

Q: Stacy to Dr. Sam, Mazin, and Nick 

“Can you remember the first person you lost on your teams?” 

A: Mazin 

“I do, yeah. You don’t forget those. You don’t - you… yeah. And I think what a lot of people don't know about the medical personnel in the service is that, yes, you may not go outside the wire and do those missions that we talked about, but what you see on your tables, it's equally traumatizing. And even on the civilian side, you know -- and the medical personnel can relate to this -- you know, I don't want to say it's the guilt, but you always have that feeling of, "Okay, did I do my best? Why did this outcome happen?" And it's even more when it's your brother or sister on the table. You know, with the whole -- I was deployed recently during that whole event that happened in Afghanistan. And there was a big role for the surgical teams there. And, you know, those outcomes that as we reviewed them at the end, and we did plenty of discussions, and, you know, those medical personnel have to live with those decisions that they made for the rest of their lives.” 

A: Dr. Sam 

“And they talked about getting shot at. We never got shot at. I mean, I don't want to get into that because it's emotionally devastating. It is. We saw people dying. You know, young people in their 20s dying. Yeah... That's hard to take. Yeah.” 

Q: Stacy to Dr. Sam, Mazin, and Nick 

“I always find it hard to try and articulate what that grief feels like, because if you lose a family member, that hurts, right? But why does it feel like it hurts deeper and I guess, more deeply when you lose a brother and a sister? Why does that feel that way?” 

A: Mazin 

“I think it's more of, "Why them, not me? Why am I still breathing?" It's at least one of the feelings that I've had.” 

A: Nick 

"To go from the sounds of cannons to the screams of silence would break the strongest of souls. We come back, you know, after witnessing these heavy traumas, and you can't piece together. That's very traumatic to see someone's life -- We all die. That's just a natural part of life, you know? But to see a life be snatched in such a violent way, whether it's someone you're trying to kill or someone that you love dearly, I mean, that -- phew -- that sticks with you. There's no way around it. Or just finding dead bodies in mass graves -- that...sticks with you. You know what I mean?"

A: Dr. Sam 

"It's a spiritual connection that you don't need to, you know -- You don't need to analyze that any more than that. And I think you feel this with -- with the young man who is dying. He doesn't deserve it. You know? He doesn't deserve it. At the age of 21 or 22, he doesn't deserve to die. But he's dying! You know? And in the case of Vietnam, he did not even believe in the cause. Okay? He was drafted and he was sent in to Vietnam. And he was tortured, and he died. I mean, okay. Even the Second World War, Civil War, whatever. Maybe you believed in the cause. Maybe you showed up when you enlisted. These were draftees. I mean, it takes you from his spirit to my spirit, the one who is dying to mine. And that is indescribable. It is -- It is -- It is very, very strong."

Q: Stacy to Dr. Sam, Mazin, and Nick 

“You know, for our loved ones and our friends who don't get to be in the inner sanctum, so to speak, what do you think would be important for them to know?” 

A: Nick 

"Uh, directed towards our family, right? Um, I just -- I mean, I know it's not easy to understand, but thank you for your patience, you know? Uh, it -- I don't -- I don't want them to -- I don't want them to ever understand, um, because that means that they're gonna be going through the trauma we went through. And I'm just grateful that they -- they're very patient and trying to be understanding."

A: Mazin 

"I mean, the support that we get from our families and friends, it's -- it's amazing. And I think it's what's keeping us, many of us, alive. Um, but, you know, those experiences to be shared, it's not easy. And nothing about this setting is easy for all of us to agree and say, "Yes, I'm gonna sit here and share these experiences." But if it's someone else's survival guide, then it's -- it's worth being shared. Uh, so, you know, to our loved ones -- I think one of the things that I always think about is exactly what Nick said, is that you don't want to put them that same trauma, not that you're keeping it private, not that you're thinking that they're not worth knowing what you've gone through. But it's to avoid even for us to relive it again or share with Nick... to go through some of my photos to try to send it to your team prior to this meeting. It took me three weeks. Every time I tried to open those folders, I closed them and I can't open them. And eventually I got in and I made it very quick and I picked a few and I sent them and I got out. It's a -- It's not something you want to go back to, and you don't want to put your family through that, as well. They've gone through enough while you were gone. They go through enough while you're here, as well. So, again, it's focusing on what we have…"